Open, Open, Open

I wrote this last year, a poem about the last fifteen or so minutes of my last labor and birth. It was the longest and shortest six hours of my life, and time had no meaning until it did. Everything was quiet, and I loved it. I worked with my body, I moved, I moaned, I spoke, I whispered.

In the end, it was the most amazing experience of my life.

"Open, Open, Open"
Kayce Pearson

“Open…open…open…”
I chant to myself as I float in the pool.
Silence aside from me.
My family sleeps in the other room

My friend rests on the couch, keeping vigil.
I turn inward, willing my body to relax;
Another contraction.
I lift my body, floating on my back.

“Open…open…open…”
Peak. Tears well.
Can I do this?
I float back down to rest.

Time has no meaning; I float.
I smell steam.
The water engulfs me.
My body is no concern.

Just the sensations; the air, the water.
My phone rings, its sound jars me from my mind.
ANGRY! Disjointed.
How can it be 7:15?

Why aren’t you born??? I growl.
Did I say it aloud?
No. No. I can’t.
Another contraction; this time so long to focus.

“Open…open………”

It feels different.
My pelvis moves.
I gasp. 

I feel it, a head rotating
Moving down
I know then the work is beginning.
I flip over onto my knees,
I lean over the edge of the pool.

Focused.

“Get Blake!” I yell. I regret it.
No time. Work to do.
I feel my uterus push. I growl and help it. Yes.
The air feels heavy.

Everyone runs out. Blake wraps his arms around me;
He whispers to me.
I tune it out. I just needed his strength.
Another push.
“I see a head!”

Head is out.
I push. My uterus pushes.
Nothing.
Anger. Why won’t you move?!

I feel a body inside me rotate.
No logical thought.
All that matters is the feeling.
Is he stuck?

Push. Turns. Growls. Push.

Release.

All emotions cease.
The room is silent.
Breath is held.
I turn over, grab my baby.

I pull him to the surface of the water,
“It’s a boy!” I yell.
Noise all around. “You did it!”
I sit higher.

“Come on baby. Breathe for mommy.”
He wiggles. No breath.
I talk to him. I rub him.
I love him.
I am calm.

Then.
A cry.